Be prepared for unplanned writing and intuitive thought ahead:
I am overflowing with ideas and inspiration as of late, however my motivation to sit back, think clearly and write out posts which make sense to other people seems to be lacking most of the time. Part of me wants to shed this blog like a cocoon I’ve out grown, and part of me wants to reinvent it, and upcycle it into something which is relevant to my current life and perspective. I believe what I will be doing is re-purposing this blog, and keeping a second “private” one for the posts which I’m not yet sure that I’m ready to share with the world.
Part of me wants to tell the whole story of my emergency bowel surgery, the stress and (emotional) paralysis which accompanied it, and my collapse (or hibernation) into some old behaviours which have been deemed “bad” by me in the past. Part of me wants to reject telling this story, and to just move onward on my path in silence. I’m not yet sure how much of this desire for silence is about fear of vulnerability, and how much is about my just wanting to sort through it all and wait until I have a bit more perspective and clarity. Basically, this post is going to grow very organically, and I’m not yet sure where it will take me.
I had dropped roughly 35 pounds in the previous three years and had gained a ton of muscle and self-confidence. Winding up over-stressed and with a hernia which required emergency surgery in order to save my life (part of my bowel had strangled and died) despite my best efforts to finally stretch out of my fears and move forward into a more fulfilling life just toppled my self-esteem and brought back my old “fuck it, life sucks, I refuse to be involved with this bullshit” attitude. The aforementioned attitude led to my being so stressed out and paralyzed that I regressed into online gaming and compulsive over eating behaviours, which of course just added to my stress as avoidance and homework really don’t work well together.
I gained 20 pounds or so back, I’m not ashamed of myself (as I am just a human being, trying to navigate my way through my life as best I can with the tools I currently have), but I am very sad, as weight gain in my case contributes to increasing the impact which my diabetes, PCOS, and inflammatory issues have on my day to day life.
I did set myself up to improve my meditation practice, as well as buying an elliptical and a TRX system, however when crisis hit, I reverted to the old, the familiar, the comfortable and the self-destructive. Today I am recovering from the fallout by seeing a terrific therapist, by re-balancing the things which my hard winter unbalanced, and basically regaining my equilibrium in all areas of my life.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through is this process of healing myself emotionally. Part of the time I feel as if all I need to do is “Let go and Let God” or “Live in the Now” and all will be ok, and part of me feels like I’m not done processing the pain and abandonment which was my childhood. This isn’t self-pity, this is an inner child who hasn’t yet let go of her need to be in control (sometimes by being out of control) and who needs to be loved enough and safe enough to release her grasp.
I’m not sure if this makes sense to anyone but me, but I KNOW I’m not yet done learning the lessons the Universe contained when it chose to pair me with my particular parents. I love both of my parents a great deal, and although much of the time my feelings about my childhood are bittersweet, I know they did the best they could given their circumstances (schizo-affective disorder and heroin addiction make stable family life nearly impossible) and that each of them taught me many things which I needed to (and still need to) know as well as some things which I need to unlearn. My mother taught me to love, and my father taught me to fight for what is just – these are the two tools which will help me in realizing my destiny. (there we go, I just got my answer)
So, what I’m doing today in order to heal from my long crazy winter is many fold.
My new therapist practices Gestalt therapy and is teaching me how to re-balance things through The Paradoxical Theory of Change which is a whole new approach for me as it accepts that I don’t need to constantly strive to be something other than what I am. I can’t even begin to explain to you what a HUGE relief it is to me to find out that who I am right now, is perfectly ok. I mean, I’m not going to stop having goals and wanting to improve myself, but I’m much more comfortable with just being who I am complete with flaws and weaknesses, and with giving myself permission to not be “perfect” all of the time.
I’ve learned that escaping into an online game once and a while is not only ok, but it can be a healthy stress management technique for me if I set some guidelines and boundaries for myself and am brutally honest with myself about it. The same guidelines go for food and exercise habits – it’s ok to fall down, slack off, breath heavy, bend the rules etc so long as I’m being honest with myself and just enjoy some wiggle room rather than just collapsing into excess and self-abuse. I’m far more likely to pick myself up again if I choose to love my flaws and weaknesses rather than just hating myself for being imperfect (no one wants to pick up something they hate).
I’ve been picking up my old macrobiotic practices and refining them a bit with my new-found knowledge and lesser rigidity. The healthiest I’ve ever been was when I was what I used to call “Mostly Macrobiotic”. Modern day macrobiotic living lends itself very well to veganism, and it also seems to kill my food cravings quite quickly. So, you’ll be seeing lots of posts about macrobiotic and vegan cooking in future posts, I’ll be posting about my journey to get back to a healthy (for me) weight, posts about biking, hiking, meditation, camping, beadwork, my life with a senior dachshund, my growth as a human and ohhhh a whole host of things.
The Winter has ended, I’ve left my cocoon and my garden is thriving.
Walk in Beauty.