Ok, so my intention for this blog is for it to be a reflection of my journey to live a holistically satisfying life and for it to be a true reflection, not only of my growth and my victories, but also of my rough spots, my past and my aspirations. Right now I’m going through a really hard time and I need to talk about it so, I’m going to take a huge risk and make myself a bit vulnerable and hope that I don’t lose readers over it. My life isn’t always sunshine and cupcakes.
For most of my life (as in from age 8 to age 38) I have struggled with depression. I’ve rebuilt my life, had it fall apart, rebuilt it once more and so forth. My most recent (and what I believe will be my last) depression lasted 6+ years and was crippling. I let go of everyone and everything that was important to me and became a sort of empty shell of a person who really only played video games and ate junk food. I seldom left the house, or even dressed and combed my hair.
I took anti-depressants during that time period, but they didn’t really help at all. I eventually took an interest in fixing my eating habits, and along with the junk food diet, my depression packed up it’s bags and left town. This was in 2010. In the time since 2010 I’ve come a long way, I even started dating again, which is something I never thought I’d ever do again because frankly, I find close relationships with people to be difficult at the best of times.
I even managed to meet someone special and fall in love with him. Eventually he moved in with me (truthfully because he had been kicked out of his parent’s home for quitting a job which was really abusive, rather than because he wanted to share his life with me) and we did our best to make a go of things, but holy hell did it ever go bad in a hurry. I’m not going to blame him for how badly things turned, as I KNOW what part of it is mine to own as well. His character flaws and my character flaws just plain don’t mesh well. I suffer from a lot of anxiety, and I occasionally have anxious days which result in my being pretty hard to be around, and I own that 100%.
I guess that my main point is, that I’m hurting and anxious and scared and disappointed (largely with myself as is my pattern) and I’m struggling really hard to not only wrap my head around it, but also to come out the other end of things stronger, more balanced and happier than I started out. I learned some of the things I want in a partner, and some that I absolutely want to steer clear of.
I really thought I had found my soulmate and that we had a chance for a really beautiful future together.
I’m working really hard at managing my emotions through meditation, I’m keeping up with my blog, I’m getting some exercise to manage the nervous energy I’m carrying, I’m eating a balanced diet, and I’m praying, reading and moving forward. Part of me is scared that I’ll be alone forever(I was single by choice for 6+ years prior to this recently ended relationship), but the bigger part of me is more interested in learning to let myself find MY joy. I’ve tasted it many times before, and it’s delicious.
Walk in Beauty.